Equine Therapy

My First Experience with Equine Therapy

Catherine Morris, Veteran (Marine Corps, CA Army National Guard, CA Air National Guard)

My First Experience with Equine Therapy

I talked my husband into taking a day off and driving with me to check out the Reno Home & Garden show. This was a perfect opportunity to practice public access training with Dawson, my service dog, so we loaded up in the car and headed to Reno. I was not confident in my handling skills and generally nervous in public places with my service dog. I had been on the lookout for a while for a new dog trainer as my last trainer had a personal crisis and had to move.

As we were roaming the isles, my eye caught the Military Animal Project (MAP) table! I was intrigued and immediately walked over to find out what this organization was all about. I was excited to discover that the organization assists veterans with service and therapy dogs, in addition to equine therapy! This was exactly what I was looking for! My excitement was obvious and Dawson immediately picked up on my energy. I had not yet learned how to correctly communicate to Dawson what I needed in public settings and so we were no longer in sync. We were both becoming frustrated and misreading what the other needed. About this time, Dawson let out a high-pitched bark, which he sometimes does when he is frustrated. I was mortified! Service Dogs are not allowed to bark in public settings, and I was standing in front of Bob Horrell, a dog trainer! I was embarrassed that I didn’t have control of the situation.

None of this slipped past Bob.. There is often a strong connection between veterans, and I love that most veterans respect and relish transparency in others. This is why I knew I needed to stay put and breathe. I sensed a gentleness in Bob's energy and did not feel judged, even when I was fighting off tears. I realized that not only was Bob offering his assistance with my service dog, he was also extending an invitation for me to stay at the Reno ranch and work with his wife Linda, who provides equine therapy to veterans. My tears were visible and I quit trying to hide them. It was such a generous gift and I was finding it extremely difficult to accept. My career as a veterans counselor has brought me immense joy and fed my soul, so this was a complete role-reversal and I was uncomfortable receiving so much attention just on me! I could list a thousand other veterans more deserving than me. I didn't want this nonprofit to waste their precious time and resources on me.

There is a part of me that believes I am worthy and have led a successful life as a woman, wife, and mother; I’ve served 15 years total service in the marines, army, and airforce, raised my son for the first 3 years of his life, earned a master's degree, and created a model veterans program at a community college, but I’ve also spent years in therapy addressing my lack of self-worth, and trust in human nature. I have a 70% rating for PTSD due to Military Sexual Trauma (MST). I hate using these acronyms because I immediately feel like a case number! Like one of those factory-made stuffed animals manufactured on an assembly line. As my body rolls down the conveyor belt, one of the arms of the machines detects my flaws, lifts me, and moves me to the pile of defective merchandise to be sold at a discounted price at one of the dollar tree outlet stores. I believe the VA and society have often overlooked how moral injury plays a key role and is intertwined with PTSD. It is one of my life’s goals to spread awareness about this particular subject.

My girlfriend, Sharon, thought I was crazy when she discovered I was going alone, that I knew very little about the Military Animal Project, had only met Bob once, and had not yet met his wife. She had valid reasons to be concerned, but something in my soul urged me to go. I spent several weeks discussing my trepidation with my therapist; we discussed in depth what I could do to feel safe. Having an "exit" plan was top on my list, in addition to bringing comfort items. Dawson was at the top, of course! Knowing that he was with me gave me courage. In addition, I packed two chocolate chip cookies, a small portable fan, my favorite pillow, and six pairs of shoes. As odd as it sounds, I enjoyed packing Dawson's belongings: extra meals for emergencies, blankets, treats, an orange soccer ball, a rabbit tug toy, leashes, and water. Dawson was underfoot the entire day, tagging along as I scurried from room to room. When it was time to go, I said goodbye to my husband and willed myself to get into the car, turn on the ignition, and drive.

Oddly enough, my trepidation was not because I barely knew Bob or Linda, it was about allowing myself to be the center of attention. I was afraid that I would disappoint them, afraid of being stupid, and they might regret their decision to invite me to their ranch.

Driving through the Sierra Nevada mountains was invigorating. I could not believe it was the end of May, and there was still snow on the hills. I rolled down the windows, relaxed a little, and enjoyed the drive. As I reached Reno, my cell phone rang, and I realized it was Bob; he was calling to give me the 4-digit code to open the gate to their 44-acre property. Since I was driving, I wasn't able to write it down. Bob stated that it's just four numbers and easy to remember. But here is an example of how quickly our brains can be hijacked; I was embarrassed to share with Bob that I have difficulty recalling names and numbers, so instead of just asking Bob to text it to me, I pretended that I was good to go, and we hung up. I had thirty minutes to memorize the code! I said it over and over and over, praying that I wouldn't forget it. The thought of calling Bob back and explaining that I couldn't remember the code was mortifying. He might think I'm an idiot and send me back home! I couldn't believe how quickly my mind went from enjoying a scenic drive to telling myself I was an idiot.

Thank God, I remembered the code. I heard a beep, and the gate started to swing open. I drove down the long gravel driveway, trying to remember to breathe and resisting the urge to turn the car around. But as I turned the corner, I recognized Bob as he waved and directed me where to park the car. No turning back now! Just then, I saw a slender, tall woman with a big smile and sparkling eyes walking towards me with outstretched arms. Suddenly, I just knew everything was going to be alright and that I was safe. These beautiful souls were going to ensure no harm would come my way. I walked around to the back of the car and let Dawson out to experience the same sense of wonder and adventure. I was filled with nervous excitement and energy. I had a hard time staying grounded and resisted the urge for zoomies! (anyone that has a dog knows what that means) I somehow just knew that this weekend was going to change my life.

If someone was to ask me to describe in one sentence what the experience at the MAP ranch was like. I would say something to the effect that it was deeply and profoundly healing and it allowed me to experience unconditional love at a much deeper level than I could have imagined. I want to share my experience with equine therapy, but the entire experience was life-changing, ranging from the calming and supporting mentoring from Bob regarding my relationship with Dawson, to being fed home cooked meals, the ever watchful eye and support of Paws, the therapy dog, the pitter-patter of little paws throughout the home (Moki, Squirty, & Minnie), walks with Dawson, and the welcoming committee, Adrianna and Mardu who brought over lunch so Linda and Bob could focus on helping Dawson and me. I could fill an entire book with these priceless memories.

I have always felt a special connection with animals and nature. I feel more grounded and anchored to my surroundings. I have this connection with my service dog, but there are many times that my lack of clear communication leaves Dawson confused and we become disconnected from each other. I did not realize that equine therapy would also help to strengthen my relationship with Dawson by becoming more self-aware and remembering to drop into my heart and calm focus. I am beginning to have a deeper understanding of how sensitive horses are to our non-verbal cues, even the tiniest ones. If horses sense that our intentions and actions do not match up, they will often become distracted and uncooperative. Trying to “pull rank”, intimidation or signs of weakness will get you nowhere!

A few years ago, a female veteran and I had a deeply moving discussion about our experiences in the military and how we often felt like “prey” just by walking on the military bases we were stationed at. Just walking from our barracks to the chow hall or work put me on hyper alert. I rarely ate at the chow hall, especially in Okinawa because it was as if you could smell the testosterone in the air and all eyes were on you, but not in a flattering way! It was always worse on weekends and at night time, especially if we changed out of our uniforms or god forbid, a couple of female marines wanted to go out for a beer at the NCO club. The lewd sexual remarks were almost an everyday occurance and humiliating, not so much by our male coworkers but by marines and soldiers that didn’t know us and saw us as “fresh meat or prey.” These are just a few examples; there have been multiple other situations where I felt a deep sense of betrayal by men in power and higher rank, but this isn’t my focus in this story.

I didn’t put it together until recently, but learning that horses are also prey animals makes sense as to why it was so easy to make a deeper connection with horses; we have both experienced what it feels like to be prey, except that with horses it is part of the natural rhythm of nature, but with humans, one sex should not have to feel unsafe and on hyper alert around the other sex.

Although I have been through years of counseling and am a counselor by profession, I have never had the opportunity to experience equine therapy so I was trying to soak in everything that I was learning and experiencing during the 4 days. With Linda’s guidance and support, I was encouraged to maintain self-awareness, using Amber and Dunny's behavior and interaction for empathic feedback, and then to try and process what was happening. The next time I have the opportunity to spend a day with Amber and Dunny, I want to have a journal nearby so I can jot down in language some of the emotions I was experiencing and the physical sensations happening in my body. It’s been several weeks since my experience, and I am still trying to integrate all of the pieces into my life story and what meaning it has for me. Writing this journal is primarily for me; it helps me to put language to my experience and make meaning out of my traumas. The experience of connecting with horses is helping me to know myself in a more deeply and compassionate way than ever before. However, if sharing my story helps other veterans in any way, then it is my honor to share.

Here are a few examples of actual memories of my experience with Linda and equine therapy. Linda handed me a rope and showed me several times how to create a large loop, never once showing any frustration with all of my questions. I stretched out my arms in a circular fashion, and stepped forward to invite Amber, a 15-year-old Haflinger, to join me. She is a chestnut mare with a flaxen mane and tail. I have always struggled with dyslexia, so my mind often goes blank after the first step in a direction, so after Linda said create a large loop, I forgot all the rest of the instructions, which included moving my arms and body in a particular motion. I feel my body begin to freeze up, and as I do, Amber gives me that look as if saying, are you kidding me? And made it quite apparent that she was disinterested. All the while, I could hear Linda gently encouraging me to keep a soft focus and keep trying. When I finally exhaled deeply and moved just a few inches forward and to the left, Amber swung her head around, signaling a slight interest. I was discovering the meaning of equine therapy as a beautiful opportunity to drop into our hearts and get immediate feedback from these beautiful horses. I was learning how to trust myself.

Eventually, Amber allowed me to put her halter and lead rope on, and I guided her to the round pen for exercises to teach me how to communicate through body language and energy. There was no need for domination; calm and confident leadership is what horses are asking of us. I equate it to a dance with the horses. Since I struggle with direction, my part of the dance was comical and poor Amber was often confused or would become disinterested. But there were moments when I got it right! Amber gave me immediate positive feedback! I was grinning from ear to ear! The joy and satisfaction of truly connecting was immense.

The horses were providing immediate feedback, and I was trying to stay in my body through the process. and mirroring my point. I took a lunch break, and then we set up for another session, this time with Dunny, an 18-year-old Quarterhorse. Dunny was a delight to work with, and we formed a quick bond. Dunny did not hesitate to let me know when I was sending incongruent messages through my body language. I couldn’t process directions and my confidence was plummeting. Dunny mirrored back his disinterest or anxiety. I am understanding at a deeper level how similar my relationship is with my service dog. My directions and energy were not in sync, and I kept backing his hindquarters into the pen's walls. At some point in this process, I finally let go and decided to just make a move without knowing if it was my right or left. I obviously couldn’t just stand there frozen forever. What an aha moment! Dunny started to trust me again and we began moving more in sync. When we came to a stop, Dunny turned his head towards me so I could give him an embrace. It was such a special moment as he walked up and stood on the small bridge in the middle of the pen.

As the weekend continued, I worked with Bob and Dawson when I wasn't working with Linda. I could feel the fragmented pieces of my life, the pain, and trauma, beginning to move and realign. I hadn't yet determined where they would all fit, but I could feel with every fiber of my being that change was happening. I found myself letting go more, allowing the tears to flow, and allowed myself to stop questioning if I was worthy of all the attention and help. I truly felt my heart overflowing with love and gratitude. I knew that I had just made lifelong friends at the ranch and I was becoming part of the extended family.

The Law of Attraction: the experiences did not just stop at the ranch. When I woke up the day after returning home from the ranch, I immediately began to see the shift in Dawson's energy that Bob was talking about by maintaining a "Soft Focus." I like to call it "dropping into our hearts." This is where we get out of our heads and softly observe what is happening around us. As I was mindfully feeding Dawson his breakfast in the kitchen, my husband suddenly said, "Honey look out the kitchen window." When I did, I realized why he was excited. There were two beautiful horses right outside our backyard fence. This has never happened in the two years we have lived in our home. I have seen coyotes and deer, but never horses. I had just practiced soft focus, so I was excited and calm at the same time. Instead of running out the back door towards the horses, I calmly reached for my coffee cup, focused on breathing, and walked towards the backyard fence. I wondered if these exquisite creatures would allow me to get closer without scaring them. I was keenly aware of my breathing and the energy I was putting out. To my surprise, once they saw me, they stood still and started walking toward me.

By this time, Dawson was finished with breakfast and came outside to see what I was doing. He started to bark as usual when we have deer and other critters in the back, but with a calm and confident voice, I let Dawson know that it was okay and said: "That'll do." Dawson began to relax, and the horses came closer and wanted to check us out. I kept reminding myself to "Soft Focus" and check my energy. I could not believe I was sharing this experience with my service dog, horses, and husband in my home. Dawson sensed my joy, ran back to the kitchen, and came out with his sizable orange soccer ball as if inviting the horses to play. As I reached out to softly caress the head of one of the horses, I silently thanked them and the universe for gracing me and my family with their presence.

I do not doubt that waking the morning after my journey at the ranch to these two beautiful horses in my backyard was divinely orchestrated. This is a reminder of my recent trip to the ranch. I know the lessons will keep bubbling to the surface as I try to process everything that has occurred in such a small space. But for now, I will keep it simple, as Bob and Linda suggested. Just Breathe in and breathe out, soft focus, drop into the heart. I am worthy and have value and gifts to bring to the world in my unique ways. I will practice letting go of my fears of unworthiness and graciously accept the gifts the universe offers me.

for more information on Military Animal Project visit https://www.militaryanimalproject.com